Faces – A Short Story

There’s my bed in the corner of the room, there’s no frame, and I got up and walked over to the old bureau that I took from my mom after she died. It’s a massive trunk of a thing, it weeps, and on top sits a pearly framed mirror that’s ugly as hell, but it was free and really reminds me of her, of how she would do her makeup before work, and how as a kid I would I look through all the weird jewelry she had on top of it.

The odd thing is, it’s really hard to tell what I look like anyway. I mean really look at your face, look at yourself, and call me an idiot if I’m wrong, but look at the crevices, the wrinkles, the skin, the eyes, and the mouth, and though you’ll probably see these things clearly for the parts that they are, you can’t really put them together into something whole. It’s actually pretty funny to think about, at least it makes me laugh, that how I view myself is woven as a pitiful dead moth-ridden mold of passions, jests, and passive asides. A compliment a stranger gave me on my eyelashes, and then my eyelashes began to exist. A bully talks about my nose, and suddenly a nose emerged. I think it’s other people who made me.

I looked into the mirror and I couldn’t see my face. I fell back in panic. I fell back against the wall hard, hitting my head a bit, and then began nearly tearing at my face, looking for those wrinkles, and crevices, and other things that people told me were there. I felt my fingers around in a mouth that wasn’t there, I picked through the skin with my fingers to find the sockets of my eyes, to find any topography of the face people always told me was there. People found my handsome, I thought. That’s what they always told me—they couldn’t have been lying. They couldn’t have just made up the eyelashes, and the teeth, and all those little invisible hairs, and all those things that I always believed came together to make me. You can’t just make that up.

I just wanted to cry, and I wanted to scream, and I wanted to see fear, or anger, or anything really. But all I saw was a perverted passionless potential, no actuality, sublime creation itself had forsaken the covenant, just fathomless mocking nothing. And I felt that my face—or this face—was somebody else. This was someone else’s face implanted upon my skull, mixing itself into me, and they were staring at me in the mirror and mocking me and it was even more like a hatred.

My girlfriend peaked up from the blanket. She had eyes, they were waking, and they were beautiful. And she had a mouth and teeth and everything was where I told her it was—I wouldn’t lie about that, and I’d fucking shoot myself in the head if I somehow just imagined her face in my deranged mind. Who am I to imagine the perfection of others?

“What’s wrong?” she asked, stretching.

I couldn’t open my mouth! There was no mouth! I couldn’t show her how scared I was, or how happy I was to see her, or how much I loved her, or how much this stupid mirror reminds me of my mom, and I wish I could look through the mirror and tell my mom I loved her to death too. I think I felt the tears curving, melting behind my face, falling into the pit of my skull, and planting something strange inside there.

“Are you sure?” she asked. I hadn’t said anything. “Okay then, I’m feeling like cereal,” she said, strolling out into the hall. “Do you wanna bowl?”

I was still against the wall, and I pressed some more at my mouth, prying at the formless jaw.

“I’m not making pancakes!” she rang out again. “I have class, and so do you.”

The thing on my face, or in my face, or I don’t know, was talking, and I could not hear it or feel it.

I ran into the kitchen, just my shirt and boxers. I grabbed her, I showed her! I pressed my face to hers. I felt the curvature and perfection and geometry of hers. I was screaming in my head, “There’s nothing here! Look!”

“You sure you’re okay?” she giggled.

“No, I’m not okay,” I said in my mind. I told her about how we first met, and how I hated the dude she was with, and just wanted to sock him in the face. I told her about that shitty museum we went to about lighthouses. I told her about my nephew, and my sister, and my mom and her mom, and that I know she can see my tears—she has to. And how real all of that stuff was, and I could never forget it.

“Oooh. If you’re talking like that, maybe if you make me pancakes, we can have some fun before class,” she replied to it all.

The face was talking, and I started vomiting. There was the fetid rot of vomit pushing into my throat, stuck with nowhere to go. It kept pouring in.

“Hmm, I don’t know? let’s do blueberries,” she replied.

I ran back into the sparse room. The mirror was there, and I was still faceless. I beat it over and over till my hand was bloody and stinging.

“What is that!” my girlfriend rang out. “You’re going to wake the baby!”

There is no fucking baby! I would have remembered if I had a baby, I don’t care how crazy I am. Even the worst, most depraved, most traitorous deadbeats know they have a spawn somewhere. Even if they don’t know how old they are, or exactly what city they’re living in now, or if they wanna be a scientist or a princess when they grow up, they know, and they even feel something about it. A sting in the back of the mind, a tint in their view, something haunting or something distant, but they feel it. But I didn’t feel anything about it, and even an idiot like me couldn’t have forgot that.

“Why are you screaming?” she yelled at me. I wasn’t screaming.

The baby started crying.

“Would you stop fucking screaming? The baby is awake now!”

I made my way out into the kitchen, and into the baby’s room. The walls were a depressing blue and it was too dark in this room. There was a crib with something tiny inside it, and there was a tall black figure smiling at me in the corner.

“That’s not our baby!” I yelled in my mind, and the vomit in my throat was disgusting.

“He looks just like you,” she replied lovingly. She was rocking him back and forth, humming to him—I couldn’t see what it looked like. But it kept crying.

It was ringing my ears that didn’t exist. It just kept crying louder, more imperatively, more incessantly. It wanted. And it was selfish. And it didn’t even know what it was. The thing repulsed me and I felt deeply that it was an intruder, that it wasn’t real.

“None of this real! This is all bullshit!” I shouted impotently.

“You’re probably right,” she said to me. “I think he’s hungry.”

She pulled out her phone and offered it to me, “Take a pic of us.”

I looked up at her and it wasn’t her face anymore.

She took out her breast and put the baby to it, “Take a pic.”

I fell to the floor. You can’t replace a person’s face—people aren’t replaceable. Things just can’t be about exchanges and expectations, and how things are supposed to be, and how things are supposed to look. This person’s face was equal in almost all ways, and yet it disturbed me. The nose was smaller, and the teeth were shifted slightly. She was young yet old. And it wasn’t the face of a mother. Imagine, you push a nose an inch, impress the chin slightly, and it was ugly. That’s all it takes to unmake a human being. The thing in the corner of the room was watching me and smiling.

And my God, I wanted to smile! I would do anything to be able to smile. That stupid baby still wouldn’t shut up. I fell to the floor, crying at her feet too, weeping, and laughing, I wanted that initial breath of understanding a joke, I wanted that utter joy which blooms from the center of the lip, reaches between the ridges connecting the nose, and glides and crests upon the bottom lip, and blows, in proportion to its inspiration, inside of your cheeks and creates the most beautiful and stupid and incomprehensible pasture, which plants itself into your chest and shares with a brightened sorrow which resides there. I clung to her legs. There’s just so many people in the world, who laugh, and cry, and are so impotent, and incapable of expressing it all, and lonely, and it makes me sad, and some feel ugly, and some hate themselves, and some die terribly, and some go and shoot up a school, and some have children, and some waste their lives away, and it’s all this which, like a terrible sun, shines upon me and makes me want to tear my face open and just smile.

Knowledge, Reality, Self, Causation – a Socratic Dialogue

“Yes, you, Socrates! Come, sit with me a moment, if you would. I have something that I have been hoping to discuss with you since I can think of no one more apt to appraise my thinking in this matter, whether it shall be criticism in my reasoning, or, as I hope and believe it shall be, praise and approbation for my cleverness on the subject.”

“Oh? Well, Epistimonas, I certainly hope for the latter as well and since generally you are of the clever sort, I shall keep my hope strong. But come, do not keep me waiting so long. What exactly is it you wanted to discuss?’

“Well, I know that in your youth you were very much interested in the theories pertaining to the heavens and the earth, of their composition, order, and, in a word, physics, and this is why many think you some kind of busybody, who teaches that the moon is a stone,  that nothing else is real besides number and figure, of atoms and fanciful things of that sort. Well, don’t look that way, Socrates, we all know it’s what people think of you.”

“Yes, Epistimonas, what you say is true. In my youth I did inquire into such topics, and now I am paying the price for it. And there’s little I can do now, for as I was walking this way just a few nights ago, I had a man ask me whether the world is composed of water or horses. And if the moon were a stone, he prayed the gods drop it on my head, and maybe that would free me of my prying delusions.”

“But come now Socrates, don’t you think there’s a real point to these sorts of questions? Isn’t there a real difference between believing the moon is a god, and believing the moon is a horse?”

“Yes, the latter is humorous. But in terms of their folly, I should think that they are entirely equal, and I find myself utterly deserving of the abuses the man levied upon me that night. I now seem to be in the position that inquiries of this sort are not only pointless, but impossible.”

“Well, you can’t expect me to be satisfied with that, Socrates. I must insist you expound such a view.”

“Yes, it is about time I answer for all my previous prevarications. To begin, let us admit of the mind, that there are certain objects known to it, and of these objects, some meet the mind with such force as to appear as something real. These objects are impressions. But there are other objects which appear fainter to the mind, and these objects we call ideas.”

“I’m sorry, Socrates. I’m afraid I don’t quite understand your distinction.”

“Well, look here Epistimonas. This stone in my hand, do you see it?”

“Yes.”

“This object of our mind then we may call an impression, since it strikes us with such vivacity as to force the mind to accept it as a part of a persistent reality. Now, you and I were soldiers during the battle of Delium. Do you remember?”

“How could I forget, Socrates. Though we were routed that day, ordering my retreat around yours is certainly what saved my life.”

“Think of the shield you carried. Though you were ready to cast it aside, I reminded you that a solider needs his shield even in retreat. Are you able to picture it now in your mind?”

“Yes, of course.”

“This object we may call an idea. It lacks the vividness and detail of the stone now in my hand, but we can picture it all the same.”

“Now there is a further distinction that we may allow in ideas. That is between simple and complex ideas. Think of the fruit we know as the apple. We may say that the apple, as an idea, is complex, since it may be resolved into fundamental parts. It has comprising it simple ideas, such as redness, extension, if we were to touch it, smoothness, if we were to taste it, sweetness, and so on. Now the idea of an apple is derived from our senses, but we can imagine other complex ideas such as the centaur. The centaur is almost certainly a chimerical creature, seeing as no one as has ever witnessed one before, and yet we are still able to have an idea of it. Complex ideas, then, we may say have no need for a corresponding impression. That is, no one need see a centaur to conjure up an idea of such a creature. Simple ideas, on the other hand, require a corresponding impression to be known to the mind. Imagine a blind person. They are incapable of understanding the attending idea of color, since no such impression has ever taken hold in their mind. The soul, despite the many sophistical arguments presented by philosophers, has no ideas furnished to it in its conception. All our ideas, in the first order, are derived from simple impressions.

“Now, clearly, there is some order which bonds simple ideas into complex ones. To explain the regularity to which the mind joins ideas would be near impossible otherwise. But this bond is not a necessary law of nature, but rather like a gentle attraction, since, as we have seen with chimerical creatures, the mind is free to join simple ideas in any manner which it pleases. There are three qualities which produce an association among ideas, that is, resemblance, contiguity, and cause and effect. When the mind sets itself upon an idea, these qualities suggest an association with other ideas. For the quality of resemblance, we shall have no trouble in seeing how the mind can move from one idea to another. I resemble my father, and people familiar with the man are quick to remind me of this association. As for contiguity, one idea placed before or after another often forms a union in the mind. And since the mind often forms a union between ideas simply contiguous to one another, we shall have no trouble in understanding that ideas which cause one another are closely associated in the mind. And, before you ask, Epistimonas, I shall tell you now that I will not venture to discover the causes for these qualities of attraction. I am finished with such speculations of all sorts and only say that perhaps that is how the gods have willed it, and no more.”

“Socrates, I must admit I am disappointed in this circumspect approach, since I must admit, embarrassingly, that I came here to witness the famous obstinance of Socrates, even more so than to engage you in philosophy. So far I cannot find fault in what you have presented to me, but my intuition feels uneasy about the whole arrangement.”

“How so, Epistimonas?”

“Well, you claim that all ideas in their first order have their origin in corresponding impressions. But think about the ideas we have of time and space. If your principle is true, which impressions correspond to these ideas?”

“I will present to you now, Epistimonas, that famous obstinance of Socrates you so desire. We have impressions neither of space nor time and thus we have no ideas of them as such.”

“Please explain!”

“Well in the first place, it is absurd to suggest one can observe space. Since if I were to ask you to think of space, you would have no way to determine if you were thinking about nothing, or if you were truly thinking of space.”

“But, Socrates, we often perceive objects which occupy space, and this property of objects which we may call extension, implies its existence, since extended objects occupy space necessarily.”

“Well let us examine this idea of extension. When I look at a table, for example, I do not perceive extension as such, but merely a disposition of colored points. Then, what I have perceived is neither space nor extension, but a disposition of points. And likewise, we never observe what may be called time. What we observe is a succession of events. When I observe a petal falling from its stem, I simply observe a change in the disposition of points. I am aware of nothing more beyond a succession of perceptions. Nowhere in this event or any other do I observe objects which may be called space or time, nor do I think it possible to do so.”

“So we have no reason to suppose the existence of time or space?”

“We have reason to suppose the existence of a disposition and succession of points, no more. If we do not have knowledge of time and space from our impressions, from whence else would they derive?”

“From the soul, of course.”

“Even if I granted you, Epistimonas, the ideas of space and time existing innately in the soul, these would be private structures, and would have no guarantee of a reflection of a persistent reality beyond one’s self. What is to be noted here is that these ideas do not originate from our senses.”

“Well Socrates, now I am entertained! Not only have you espoused the most ridiculous beliefs, but you have done it in such a way that I am forced to follow you in the same manner. But, since I care for you, Socrates, I have found a way to bring you down from those lofty clouds you reside, since I can’t bear the ridicule and contempt our city bears for you. You say our ideas require impressions. But we clearly have impressions of objects existing beyond the self, and so even though you may fuss over space and time, you are forced to agree, with the greater part of mankind, that there is no denying a reality of objects existing beyond the self.”

“Well, Epistimonas, although I am thankful to have a friend such as you, I am afraid that I must disagree with you in this matter. Not only do we not have any reason to suppose the existence of an external world, but I claim that no one has ever perceived an object existing externally from their own perception.  The only thing present to the mind is our perceptions, no more. External objects become known to us only by those perceptions they occasion. So, whether something exist beyond my perception is utterly unknowable, and as it seems to me, this idea of an external existence is not only unknowable, but useless.

“Continuing this analysis further, we often attribute a continued and distinct existence to bodies. Although I have not observed the shield you carried into battle in many years, I still suppose it to exist in some form, even though it has not been continually present to my senses. But the senses are incapable of informing me of a continued existence in this way, because it is entirely possible that as I exit a room, the room vanishes until I set my eye upon it again, and as I move my eye from your shield, it ceases to exist until I happen upon it again. And as for distinctiveness, it is as we have already said. The mind is aware of nothing but perceptions, and to suppose these perceptions to be representations of objects distinct from them, is in no way supported by our observations. As far as we can tell employing solely our observation, there may be no distinct object which corresponds to our perception of your shield, and each time our senses take hold of your shield it is an entirely different perception which may not be representative of a shield-in-itself, as it may be.”

“But if our senses, as you have convinced me, are not responsible for our belief in a continued and distinct existence of bodies, then what could possibly explain the regularity of objects we so often observe?”

“Let us take, for example, a chair that sits in my house. What makes me to believe that it has a continued and distinct existence? Upon every instance in which I have observed the chair it has maintained a sort of constancy and coherence. That is, day after day and year after year the chair has changed very little, and any changes that have occurred have been gradual enough as to not alarm my senses. But no where do we perceive an identity that is certain and assigned to the chair. All we have is a long chain of resembling perceptions, and to these resembling perceptions we have designated to the chair the fiction of a continued and distinct existence.”

“Though I am now forced to agree with you that we are incapable of observing identity in an object, I should think the idea of identity is inherent in the object itself, since it is widely agreed to by philosophers that objects require the idea of substance to maintain a coherent reality.”

“Well perhaps these philosophers are correct. But to be true to philosophy, it is required of us to examine these suppositions the same as any other, since no one is free from dogmatism and fallacy. When we perceive an apple, to take our example again, we notice that the idea is simply a composite of various perceptions. The idea of apple is composed of redness, roundness, sweetness, and so on. Substance is supposedly what remains of an object beyond its perceivable qualities, but, as we have agreed, ideas require a corresponding impression to be meaningful. This imperceptible bond which philosophers have labeled substance is simply an association in the mind of certain clusters of perceivable qualities. Though we often fancy each object to have an underlying substance, all we are certain of are bundles of perceptions which regularly associate and have no idea of this association beyond what occurs in the mind.

“And beyond the substance of external objects, philosophers often apply the idea to that of the soul. They say that behind our internal impressions, of love, hate, pain, and so on, there is an underlying substance of mind, which give rise to these impressions. But I ask you, Epistimonas, what impression do we have of mind, beyond our internal perceptions? The idea of mind, and the idea of substance, are unnecessary and unexplanatory, since all ideas—even those internal ideas of love and joy—are separable and do not imply the existence of anything beyond it, just as the egg does not necessitate the existence of a chicken beyond it. And related to this idea of mind, we have the idea of self which is often accepted as a prerequisite for any further philosophy to occur. But I ask again, Epistimonas, from what impression do we derive the idea of self? When I enter into my internal workings, all I am able to observe are various perceptions which pass with extreme rapidity and variable influence. At one moment I feel love, and at another I feel hunger, and so on, but try as I may, I am never able to grab hold of any impression which I may label as self. Rather than being the singular and simplistic entity which we often envision, self appears to be the binding of various internal impressions, and cannot in any way be said to exist as some underlying substance distinct in itself. For when I sleep, or when death finally takes me, shall I say that there is a self existing apart from my perceptions? When we speak of self, or identity then, it is of that binding structure which relates our various internal and external impressions in the mind, and this binding structure is a result of memory, which serves to relate our ideas in various capacities. Memory does not produce personal identity, but discovers it, by showing us the relation of cause and effect among our different perceptions.

“Now, this is another serious matter which requires our attention. Let us imagine our apple again. Free your mind now, Epistimonas, and allow all preconceptions to be emancipated. Nowhere in the mere observation of the apple do we observe a necessity of it being caused.”

“I don’t quite understand you, Socrates. It is clear that the apple is indeed caused, since it is well known that an apple is grown from a seed.”

“But Epistiomonas, I just a moment ago asked you to free your mind of all preconceptions. I ask you Epistimonas, from which faculty does the idea of the apple’s necessary cause arise?”

“From experience, of course.”

“Exactly. So it is not from any quality intrinsic to the apple itself which gives rise to the idea of a necessary cause, but rather from our experience. It is, as we have seen, to be found in a relation of objects.”

“Before you continue Socrates, could we not say that the idea of a necessary cause could be in the object itself, if we define it as such?”

“Indeed, Epistimonas. I could, for example, proclaim that a chicken is necessarily white. But I have said nothing about reality, since, tomorrow, I may come across a black chicken. There is nothing contradictory about the idea of a black chicken, or a chicken made from pure gold, or a chicken to spontaneously arise from nothing. And to prove, through demonstrative processes, that a chicken is necessarily white or necessarily caused, is impossible, since there an infinitude of possibilities for oddly colored chickens to appear to me, and it is enough to satisfy me in its possibility, since the mind has no trouble in forming a clear conception of its occurrence. That is to say, if we define an apple to be necessarily caused, then that is all well and good, but I believe you have cheated me since you speak of private objects removed from me, as much as I would have cheated you had I told you a chicken, after observing one or a million, is necessarily white.”

“But, Socrates, it is a general maxim of philosophy that whatever begins to exist, must have a cause of existence.”

“Yes, it is. But I have never much cared for the general maxims of philosophy, finding most to be misguided at best, and deceitful at worst. That what has begun to exist, it is certain, has began to exist. There is nothing in any object—nay, in the universe itself—which implies the necessity of itself or anything beyond it. An apple, a chicken, and an entire universe may arise from nothing. It is from experience only that we can infer the existence of one object from that of another. And this inference, if possible at all, can only be made by the association of ideas we know as cause and effect, since it is the only association of ideas which implies in itself a kind of necessity.”

“But it is certain that a causal relationship does indeed imply a necessity, Socrates. For example, it is through the necessary connection of chicken and egg that we can be certain that the egg was indeed caused, because a chicken is necessary to produce an egg. This much is plainly obvious, Socrates, and for anyone to deny it would not only be wrongheadedness, but madness.”

“It is, as I have said, possible for me to conceive a chicken egg to not come from a chicken, and this demonstration is enough to convince me against its necessity. It is, as we have already admitted, only through experience that I gain the idea of one object causing the other, not in the idea itself. Only after observing multiple associations of chicken and egg do we insist upon its necessity.

“It shall be helpful at this point, Epistimonas, to more closely examine this idea of cause and effect, and see if this will help extricate ourselves from our current disagreement.”

“Yes, it shall.”

“Let us imagine a round stone which encounters another. The first stone, through some power or force, we say, causes the second stone to move.”

“Yes, so much is obvious.”

“The first thing we notice is that the cause and effect are contiguous, this particular event being contiguous in time and space.”

“Indeed. We may also note, Socrates, that there is a regular succession between cause and effect. That is that a cause always precedes its effect.”

“Why yes, Epistimonas, very astute. And what else?”

“And lastly, we may say that a cause and effect have a necessary connection betwixt one another.”

“And this is certain?”

“Why yes, of course. In every instance in which we observe one stone to contact another we always have observed one stone to impart motion to another.”

“And always will?”

“And always will. It is so certain as to say that there is a necessary connection between the contact and the motion.”

“And it is certain because you have observed this necessary connection?”

“I don’t take your meaning.”

“You have observed the contact of one stone causing motion in the other?”

“Nothing could be more obvious, Socrates.”

“Well, Epistimonas, I must admit the matter is not so readily obvious to me. You must possess some peculiar sense which I lack, since wrack my brain as I may, I cannot in any instance convince myself that I have ever observed cause.”

“Please explain, Socrates.”

“Think of our stones. What we in fact observe, Epistimonas, is one stone moving, then the stones becoming contiguous in space, and shortly thereafter the other stone begins to move. Is this what you mean when you say we observe cause in events?”

“Yes, of course.”

“So we have said that we may observe cause in an object when there is contiguity in space or time between cause and effect and when there is a succession of one event from another.”

“Expressly so.”

“Then imagine me, small insignificant Socrates, to ride upon the gait of a titan. Imagine, before the titan takes a step, I gently knock on its foot. Can we truly say that we have observed Socrates to have caused motion in the titan?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Socrates. There is a difference between observing an event to be contiguous and successive, and observing an event to be caused. In the first instance we observe a stone to cause motion in another, in the second we merely observe a knock before the titan happens to take a step. But it is clearly not you who has caused the motion.”

“Well for the life of me, Epistimonas, I cannot see what you mean. If you truly observe cause in the former interaction and not the latter, I must think you possess the perceptiveness of wide-eyed Athena, because in both instances I observe a comparable state of affairs, and in neither can I observe anything which I may label as cause.”

“What you fail to realize, Socrates, is that since we have always observed motion in one stone to impart motion in another, then this regularity of association is what is needed to say we have observed cause.”

“Why, Epistimonas! You were keeping this secret determination from me! So, what we shall say now, is that contiguity, succession, and a constant conjunction between one object and another is what gives rise to this idea of cause and effect. Is this so?”

“This is what we have agreed.”

“Very well, let us, once again, ride upon the foot of our titan. Imagine since the monster’s birth I have attached myself to its foot, and before every step it takes I gentle knock upon it. If you were to carefully observe the life of this titan, you would see poor old Socrates—as we have admitted by our criteria—to be causing motion in the titan!”

“If this be our idea of cause, so be it. But for myself I cannot find satisfaction in thinking it an idea of any value, since it leads us to things we manifestly cannot accept, such as insignificant actions imparting motion in titans. But I do not mean to leave you crestfallen, Epistimonas, so please don’t look that way. We may still be able to save our idea of causation, if we prove this principle: that instances of which we have had no experience must resemble those of which we have had experience. That is to say that nature is confined in such a way as to continue always uniformly the same.”

“Well will it be possible to prove, Socrates? Because by what you have already said I don’t see how it shall. To prove this principle by demonstrative processes would seem to be impossible, since as we have said, there are an infinitude of possibilities to observe, and the only way to bypass these infinities would be to invoke the very principle which is in question. And to prove this principle using our second faculty, that of reason, also seems a remote possibility. There is nothing contradictory in the idea of a nonuniform nature. The idea is, strictly speaking, logically consistent, since we can conceive nonuniformity to be a property of nature without negating itself.”

“Well said, Epistimonas! It is only that we have formed a habit of observing nature to behave uniformly that we have insisted upon its necessity. That is to say, that our principle that nature continues always uniformly the same can only be assented to by a habit of thinking it to be the case, and never by experience or reason.  And to this principle we may add all our beliefs. We have always observed the sun to rise in the morning, but to suppose it will rise the same tomorrow, can never be logically or demonstrably founded. We have always observed eggs to come from chickens, and jokes to cause smiles, and harm to cause pain, but this is merely because we have formed a habit in our minds of associations between these objects. Tomorrow a chicken’s egg may come from a goat and telling a joke may cause the moon to disintegrate. And the only reason we feel these latter associations absurd is simply because these habits of association are ill-formed in our minds. Our beliefs are simply a species of ideas which feel more strongly than so-called fictitious ideas. But we must never mistake this feeling of vivacity as an indicator of some greater truth or hidden connection. our beliefs are derived entirely from habit—never from reason, and never from experience.”

“If what we have said now is true, Socrates—and, even though I am repulsed by the idea, I cannot find error in your conclusions—then by the gods no one will ever be able to live happily and productively again. Not only am I incapable of speaking intelligently about the probability of the sun rising tomorrow, but I am rendered ignorant on the great host of empirical conclusions. Bread may have nourished me yesterday, but tomorrow it may cause transmogrification; stones may no longer impart motion but turn one another into bundles of flowers. Reason, experience, have no bearing on these matters, as it now seems to be. I am, I say, utterly disconsolate about any future determination.”

Yes, Epistimonas, what you say about our predicament pertaining to uncertainty is true. We believe the sun will rise tomorrow, not because of any foreknowledge of its necessity, but merely because we feel it to be so. Philosophers, astronomers, engineers, are artists too, whose principles and arguments are determined—like the colors chosen for a painting—by our taste and sentiment. We may be certain of these two principles: that there is nothing in any object, considered in itself, which can afford us a reason for drawing a conclusion beyond it, and that even after the observation of the frequent or constant conjunction of objects, we have no reason to draw any inference concerning any object beyond those of which we have had experience. And through these principles we see that most of human knowledge is unfounded, unable to be verified in any way. And yet, Epistimonas, though we have maintained the most rigorous skepticism that philosophy requires of us, we see that we cannot in practice believe what is so clearly true. For though our philosophy has shown us the irrationality of believing in self, time and space, causation, and so on, we are forced to take all of these ideas as presuppositions not for just any future philosophy, but for any productive enterprise.”

“What, then, shall we do to extricate ourselves from this predicament, Socrates?”

“Why there is nothing to be done, Epistimonas. Put up philosophy, I say, or treat it the same as a hobby or game. Stick to tending sheep and you shall have lived a complete life.”

I’m not a philosopher, so I’m sure there’s a few mistakes in my reasoning. Most of these ideas were borrowed from Hume’s A Treatise of Human Nature. Peace.  

 

The first principle for right conduct is to thoroughly convince yourself of this fact about the world, that is, that nothing can come to pass that is not natural and necessary. Look closely, unburden yourself of those ideas which grant you the powers of tyranny over the world and its natural order, and you shall observe a strangeness in things free from the ornaments of human designs. In parsimony you will free yourself from all evil. Look down to your hands. See how your fingers shuffle. What commands them? Convince yourself that it is not you, but a muse, some homunculus which stirs your passions and incites all joy and sorrow. Look closely into your mind and try to find what may be called self. A feeling of hunger perhaps, a fleeting rush of anxiety, a smell caught from the air, and all such ideas, some lingering for a time, others passing in incredible rapidity. But where in this am I?

There is no now, there is no I. Then do not fret about what tomorrow will bring, or what evil has befallen you. Stick to your own business, namely, doing good. Why is it my concern to be good? I do not know whether there is a tenable defense of moral goodness. But in my attempt I shall say that goodness by its nature is preferable to badness, since it seems to me that any being reasonably similar to us will want what is good for it and eschew what is bad. But a good action by the virtue of being good will make the person in question better, whereas a bad action will only serve to worsen a person. If we accept that a person is harmed by doing evil and bettered by doing good then, we see that it is preferable to want to be good. But that is my lowly defense.

My only concern is to perform my duty, all else is not only pretentious, but impossible. There is nothing within my control. The sun is set about in its motion by some divine reason, each species performs according to its own primal inclinations, and my mind too is bound by that universal order. Often, I am driven to reproach others for their wrongdoing. Then shall I blame the sun for giving its light too? If I believe someone to be unjust, then I must correct them. But I must not blame them or see their intentions as wicked. Wicked actions are not conceived as such. Each person acts according to the principle forged at creation, and sublimely altered by the infinitude of mathematical atoms. And certainly, I must not let them disturb me, drive me to anger, to hatred, or to let injustice preoccupy my mind. Soon I will be dead. I want to be happy and good. I want to improve the world ever slightly before I must go. Then look upon injustice as an obstacle, and never let hatred overcome you.

On the Nature of Time

…People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. – Einstein

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I’ve been troubled for a few years now about the nature of time. It is a question that has prodded me. We necessarily have phenomenological experience of time, when we sit and think, when we go about our day, in times of boredom or joy, but it remains ever furtive and quiet, never placing itself strictly in the mind’s eye. My first worry came when learning about special relativity, though its implications never quite struck me with the vivacity that they ought have. I was only awakened from my dogmatic slumber after reading Augustine’s Confessions, and there I learned that, if nothing else, there is something deeply disquieting about the nature of time that our common sense understanding does not quite grasp.

It seems that what time is is obvious, if not self-evident. It is a kind of river, that flows and I with it. As I pass down the river of time, events that are future become present, and events that are present escape to the past (or is it that the present ever moves forward?). The entire universe is subject to its continually changing force. At one moment I am now. I am typing these words, and this moment is present. Now as I move on to type these proceeding words, that moment is past. At just a moment before it was future. That moment, whatever it contained, of the clicks of the keyboard and the firing of neurons and transistors, is somehow different now than as it was present. All seems well—and yet there is something that troubles me even in this common description. The moment I subject time to analysis, as Augustine points out, I am no longer able to explain what it is, or even what I mean by it.

How can I measure a change in time? With a clock, you might answer, and growing tired of what is obvious. Yes, perhaps. When I measure the change in something, say distance, or viscosity, or temperature, I am referring to a change with respect to time. I can say that a spaceship moved a distance of 500 meters in 1 second. But when we think of time we think of it as changing in itself. That is, the future becomes the present which becomes the past (or some variation thereof). So the question I mean to ask then, is how can I measure the passage of time itself? or, how fast does time flow? If change is necessarily measured temporally, then to describe a change in time itself I must invoke time to describe the change that it experiences. I can say that time moves 1 second in 1 second, but that is tautological, and while true, it is also true that I eat 1 apple for every 1 apple that I eat. There can be no change at all without a change in time itself, for if the moment is eternally present, then nothing is coming into being or coming out of existence—everything simply is. Measuring change, it seems, is necessarily temporal, and so measuring a change in time itself seems to leave us with no way to measure it that isn’t meaningless.

And if I cannot measure the passage of time, then it seems I cannot measure what a moment is. I can say today is the present day. And I can further say that it is the present hour, 11 PM, and more it is the present minute and the present second. But when, exactly, does the present become the past, and the future the present? Is it somewhere in the thinnest slice of its second? If I were to devise a sieve, capable of parcing every part from a second, would I discover what we call the present moment? No matter how thin I slice, there will always be a moment of time yet thinner (or perhaps not, if there is some quantized limit), and so it seems every duration of time will include a moment present, but also a moment past and future as well. Then it seems when I talk about something being present, the rain falling on my roof for example, I cannot even define what I mean by present.

You may say that I am being too picky. We can say, for example, that an elephant is larger than a mouse, even though we have not measured them both down to their every atom. But the states of presentness, pastness, and futurity are different things entirely. I can measure length and be satisfied that the elephant is larger than the mouse by comparison. It is a relational truth dependent upon two observable determinations. And furthermore I can be satisfied on the metric that I used to make the comparison. What is a meter? It is about the length of the standard kept in the vault in Paris, or to get even more precise, it is the distance that light travels in a vacuum in a certain amount of time. But nowhere can I relate the moment of the present to another. A moment is found in no vault; nowhere can I point to an identifiable moment, and say with surety that one moment is not another. If I say that this very moment is present, how can I know that if I cannot even define what the present moment actually is? It would be very much like saying that this apple is A. Well what then is A? If I cannot tell you then how can I hold the truth that the apple is A if it is not a well defined property, distinguishable from properties that are not itself?

There is something odd about time that keeps slipping away from us as we try to ever approach it. No truth must be sacred, and any truth that falters in the face of introspection must be vigilantly attacked, until it bolsters itself through trial or falls as a conspirator. I no longer believe in the passage of time. I mean to say that the properties of past, present, and future, are not things that exist in the world. I believe they are psychological projections of my human mind, a way in which my mind organizes all of sensible experience.

The Eiffel Tower was not real in the year 399 BCE. That is to say, if you were to ask a woman in that time if such a structure existed, she would be speaking falsely if she replied yes. For something to be real, it seems, it must exist now.* If this were not the case, then in the year 2017 I could say that the conscious being of Socrates is real, and in the year 399 BCE, the Eiffel Tower is real as well. In such a world as this the past, present, and future become indistinguishable from one another, because what else is there to separate that which does exist from that did exist or that which will exist? So by definition, the past and future must be unreal, since they do not exist now (if they did exist now then they would be the present). Of course this means that the future and past are nonexistent. Augustine puts it succinctly, “Of these three divisions of time then, how can two, the past and the future, be, when the past no longer is and the future is not yet?” Speaking about the properties of something that does not exist is simply incoherent. A dog that does not exist necessarily has no properties. So if I tried to relate to you the color of this nonexistent dog, and its name, and the tricks that it can do, you would be right to call me mad. Then how can we speak of the properties of becoming and was being, if the future and past do not exist? And further, can something be born from nonexistence? I do not know. But if only nothing can come from nothing, then time could not pass from being future, to present, to past, since the future (which does not exist) would have to become the present (which does exist) and then just as quickly vanish into the past (which does not exist)—thus the passage of time is impossible.

* You may reply that something that is real is something that exists, did exist, or will exist. And so the fact that the past did exist, and the future will exist, makes them real. But I think this is a poor definition of what we mean when we say something is real. If in the past I was married to someone then at that moment the marriage is real. If in the present moment we are divorced, then the marriage is no longer real—it was, but no longer is. And besides the definition of real is not what is important—the existence of these states is what is. And it is simply incoherent to claim that the past and future exist. When we think of the past, we think of a moment of time that did exist, and the future as a moment of time that will exist. Saying that the past and future exist means that there would be no difference between them and the present, making the distinction meaningless. The only other option is to say that the future and past do not exist. But if past and future don’t exist, then only the present does, and there can be no change at all without a change in time itself, for if the moment is eternally present, then nothing is coming into or out of being—everything simply is.

An argument of this form was first presented by Parmenides, the pre-Socratic philosopher. The implication of the argument is that the passage of time is an incoherent idea. The past and future are nothing (they do not exist)—so how could we ever make sense of speaking about them? There are no properties of nothing, no generation of something from it or destruction of something out of it—it simply is not. Then it seems when we speak of the future and past we might as well be speaking of a squared circle or a triangle with four sides. I will admit, the idea that there is no change, that time does not flow, and thus everything exists as a perfect boundless existence, as Parmenides might say, is counter-intuitive, and I could not blame you for thinking it downright irresponsible.

It seems self-evident: the future becomes the present which becomes the past. But as we have just demonstrated, if the temporal properties (that is pastness, presentness, and futurity) are real, then ascribing them to events leads to contradictions, such as Socrates being both alive and not alive. The common response is that Socrates does not contain both of those properties at the same time, that is, that the temporal properties change with time. First he is not alive, then he is alive, then he is not again, all depending on the position of the ever-moving present. Even disregarding the fact that this has not addressed the main concern of the reality of the future and the past in themselves, let us accept it as it is. Imagine an event P, the death of Socrates for example, which occurred in 399 BCE. And let me utter the proposition, “P has occurred.” Obviously this statement is true at the time of this writing, but it is not true at other times. If someone had said “P has occurred” in 430 BCE, they would be speaking falsely. How then can we evaluate the truth of the statement P has occurred? Well, this statement is obviously contingent upon another truth, that is what the present time is. So P has occurred is true when P is a past event in the present time (a present time such as the year 2017). But the present time is ever changing, meaning that “P is a past event in the present time” is true now, but wasn’t always, and so we haven’t given a meaningful answer as to when P has occurred is true. So yet again we have another contingent truth, since the truth of “P is a past event in the present time” is dependent upon what the present is. Then we must now know when P is a past event in the present time is true, and we may say that it is true in the present. Saying P has occurred when it is past in the present in the present is tautological. We can keep qualifying by saying that it will be true in the present again, but nothing will come from it. We are left with an infinite regress. This means I can never truly evaluate the truth of a statement such as “the death of Socrates has occurred” or “the world will end” or “it is raining” with reference only to the propertied of past, present, and future. The only way to generate a meaningful truth from a statement such as P has occurred, is by locating the statement relationally, such as P has occurred is true after 399 BCE. By doing so, however, we are seemingly conceding that the temporal properties are not useful to describe when events actually occur. Using the properties of past, present, and future, never tells us anything meaningful about the world. It seems that anytime we try to describe time as dynamically changing, we end up with nonsense. An argument of this form was first proposed by J. Ellis McTaggart.

But thus far, you may rightfully argue, I’ve done nothing but play with philosopher’s toys, and given you no reason why these pedantic tricks should be believed over your own two eyes. The knowledge of time comes directly to us from our senses—our experience—you might counter. We experience the passage of time much in the same way that we experience a flower. To doubt the existence of time then is very much like doubting the existence of a flower, and really the entire world enduring beyond the self, leading us into a pit of solipsism. So while it is very possible that time does not exist beyond the self, it is as meaningless a point as the world not existing beyond the self, since both are fundamental to our understanding of any possible experience, and must be taken as a presupposition for any further inquiry to occur.

But do we really experience the passage of time? In the first place, since I can only ever directly experience a singular moment, a direct experience of the passage of time, that is the transitive flow of the past, present, and future, is seemingly impossible. What I mean is that, for example, if I see a petal falling from a flower, then at the moment that (C) the petal reaches the earth, the experience of (B) the petal falling in the air is now only a memory, and the experience of (A) the petal being attached to the stem is yet fainter. A direct experience of something must be made in the present (otherwise it is a reflection on a past experience or a prediction of a future one), but A, B, and C all occur at different times, meaning I never actually experience the events as nondiscrete. But, you may retort, as John Locke did, at the moment of C I reflect upon the past experiences of A and B and from this reflection on the train of ideas that flow in my mind I am able to experience the passage of time. This reflection on the passage of experiences is how I get the idea of one moment passing into another, and thus I am able to (although not directly) experience the passage of time (inductively, you might say). But there is a problem in this account. If you were truly a tabula rasa, and I put before you a series of events A, B, and C, you would have no reason to order the events in that particular order a priori. That is, unless you already had the innate ideas of the succession of events, and the passage of one moment into another. Without this your reflection could never reproduce a coherent and meaningful order of events, because C, B, A, and B, A, C, are just as plausible without temporal ideas already being furnished to the mind. What this means is that temporal ideas (such as succession, and duration, and passage) are not something I directly or even indirectly observe in the enduring world beyond the self—they are necessary to my understanding of the world as I recognize it. In other words, they are ideas born from my mind.

Where do these temporal ideas originate from, if not my experience? Immanuel Kant would argue that my idea of time is a form of experience. What this means is that time (and space, etc.) are not things that exist out there in the enduring world. Rather they are innate ideas, organizational principles, a way in which we as human beings impose order on the totality of sensible experience. Time is not found in experience because experience presupposes time. To Kant, reality is itself atemporal. Time does not exist, and it does not pass. Such a conclusion means that reality becomes unknowable. An undrawable veil is placed between the way we experience the world (the phenomenal) and the world in itself (the noumenal). No amount of physical or metaphysical inquiry will allow us to peek behind the veil, to know a truth in that realm, since our way of understanding the world is irreducibly mediated by the forms of experience, of time, space, material substance, causation, etc.

Kant stands in direct opposition to Newton (whom he admired). Newton built his system of natural laws with the assumption of absolute space and time. Space and time are the constructs of God, real things. If all material bodies were drained from the universe, there would still be a space, and time would flow just the same. This means that space and time are not human constructs or simple relations between two relative bodies. They are real, absolute entities in themselves.

Newton’s conception of time stands in direct opposition to Aristotle, who viewed time as a mere abstraction. Aristotelian time does not exist as such, but only as a way of measuring change. Newtonian time, in contrast, exists even if nothing changes. So not only can things be measured relative to clocks, and suns, and seasons, but there is some background substance—an absolute time—that flows equitably and magnanimously. Framed within these veridical entities of absolute space and time, Newton’s theory of motion was perhaps the most successful scientific theory in human history. It disposed with the two thousand years tradition of Aristotelian physics, and for two hundred years after it loomed to explain the entire universe in precise, predictable, mechanical laws—down to the last atom. But just as the grand unification of physics seemed to be inevitable, and all things were to become subject to Newton’s Laws, it was astonishingly toppled in the early twentieth century by Einstein and his Theory of Relativity.

Light is a kind of wave, that is it often exhibits wavelike properties. As such, many physicists of the nineteenth century expected that it must propagate through some medium, like ocean waves, or sound waves do. This permeating and invisible medium was called the luminiferous aether, after the Greek god of light, and it was something that could play the role of Newton’s absolute space. An aether, or something similar to it*, would be necessary to maintain a universe in which absolute concepts (of space, time, and motion), are meaningful. Newton, by positing absolute motion, proposes that a ball at rest is really different than a ball moving with constant velocity.** Not only are two objects in space located relationally, they are located absolutely—to space itself. But as Leibniz had pointed out, what is the observable difference between a universe at rest, and one where every object is moving five meters per second to the right? If the aether could be discovered, then it would lend meaning to such a distinction, and maintain Newton’s theory.

* Of course there are other things in which we could measure spatial location from, other than bodies themselves. One such thing would be the various fields that permeate the universe, for example the electric field. But the difference between the electric field and Newton’s absolute space is that absolute space is fixed and immovable, whereas the electric field fluctuates with a dependency on the bodies. If I am thinking about this correctly then, it would seem that these fields are also relative, since their existence is contingent.

** Imagine a universe in which a single object existed. Simply looking at the object would not tell you if it was in motion or at rest. But Newton believes that there is a real difference, that is, that the object is in motion or at rest with respect to the underlying space itself, the absolute space, even if we cannot detect its motion.

In 1887 Michelson and Morley discovered that the speed of light is constant, regardless of the motion of the source or the observer. This discovery was profound, and goes against our everyday intuition. If I toss a ball inside a moving train, I expect that the ball will travel with the velocity I imparted to it with the addition of the velocity of the train itself. So the speed of light being constant is very much like me throwing a ball on a train and the ball moving the same speed, regardless if the train is at rest, or moving fifty meters per second or a thousand. This discovery seems to undermine the aether theory. If light was a form of disturbance in a medium, we would expect its speed to vary with our motion through this medium. But it simply does not: the speed of light is constant. The Michelson-Morley experiment showed that light could not be used to establish the existence of an absolute space—if there was an aether, it remained undetectable. Einstein explained this result by proposing that light, and the rest of nature, do not care if you are at rest or in motion—when there is a difference, it is only relative. Thus absolute space was no more. Einstein tell us that the laws of nature (including the constancy of the speed of light) are the same for all observers, independent of one’s (constant) motion, meaning there really is no nonrelative difference between a rolling ball and a stationary one. This innocuous statement utterly alters our understanding of time.

To Newton time is absolute, meaning that it flows independent of any event or any change, and equitably for all things within the universe. Time then is something like a metaphysical clock. Where planetary orbits will vary and pendulums will err, time maintains a smooth constancy, perpetually ticking forward the same for all observers. This understanding of time cannot be correct if Einstein is right that the laws of nature are the same for all non-accelerating observers. Imagine you are sitting on a bench, and you are watching me pass by on a train. Then imagine that two lightning strikes, one striking the track a mile behind me (strike A), and one striking the track a mile ahead of me (strike B). You conclude, quite reasonably enough, that the strikes occurred simultaneously, since they were equidistant and reached your eyes at the same time. Myself being on the moving train, I do not agree with your conclusion. Since I am moving toward strike B, it reaches me first, and so I conclude that strike B was the first to land. In other words, strike A occurred in the past of strike B. You may meet me at the platform, and try to explain to me why I am confused in thinking that B occurred before A, when really they occurred at the same time, saying that since I was moving, my perspective of the situation was misled. But you cannot say that I was truly moving. You cannot say that you were the one truly at rest. Neither of our assessments about the events are privileged. Since there is no absolute space, there is no absolute motion, meaning neither of us can be said to be really moving or really at rest.

There is only motion relative to one another. There is no experiment that can be performed to tell us otherwise. In our day to day lives we arbitrarily assign the earth to be at rest, but we know that this is only that, arbitrary. Without any objective, absolute reference frame to delegate such disputes, we must conclude that simultaneity is relative as well. If there is no absolute simultaneity then there can be no absolute time, since what an individual’s “moment” consists of will be uniquely specified. Without an objective reference frame, we are equally justified in saying that our interpretation of the events is correct.

This means that the properties of presentness, and pastness and futurity, are also relative to each observer. To me strike A occurred in the past of strike B. This means that strike B, at the time of strike A, contains contradictory properties of both pastness and presentness (And to a third observer still could contain the property of futurity). An event cannot both be past and present, meaning that these temporal properties cannot be intrinsic to the event itself. This means that there is no real, objective state of past, present, or future that an event contains. Without these real states then, time cannot possibly pass through these properties, since they do not exist in the world or its events.* These states are only meaningful to a subjective observer. Without absolute simultaneity there is no real present moment, meaning there is no all-encompassing now, and what exactly we mean when we say time passes must be subject to scrutiny.

* I suppose that it is possible that time could still flow, but only relative to each observer. But this seems to me to be a much more complicated view than what special relativity implies, namely the block universe, which we will come to soon.

Relativity dispenses with the possibility of a real passage of time, independent of any one observer. But it does not interfere with our ordinary understanding of causality. If event A was caused by event B, it would never be permitted for an observer to witness event B coming before or simultaneous with A, no matter how much you played with reference frames. This means that temporal relations are preserved in relativity. In other words, even though there truly never was a present moment in which Shakespeare wrote Hamlet, it is still the case that first Shakespeare was born, then he wrote Hamlet, then he died. These facts are preserved in the scheme of relativity, even though the temporal properties are given up. So in this sense we must disagree with Parmenides a little bit—there does seem to be something to time. The relations between events do exist. But the temporal properties must be dispensed with. What kind of universe is this? Most philosophers refer to this as the block universe. Imagine the universe as being a block, with three dimensions of space and one of time (you can’t truly imagine it, so just try to imagine a 3-dimensional universe that you are standing outside of). Someone standing outside of this block would be able to see all events that had occurred, are occurring, or ever will occur. Only the point of the block universe is that there is no true difference between occurred, occurring, or will occur. The outside observer would not perceive the special moment that one could label the present. It would only observe all timelessly existing moments. Your birth, storied life, and death would appear, but attributing any directionality or precedence to the events would be entirely arbitrary, just like an astronaut looking down on earth assigning more significance to Houston than Boston. It could carve out different slices of space-time, seeing what observers in various reference frames would label as simultaneous events, but again there is no reason to give this reference frame precedence over any other. If I live in San Francisco it makes sense to label this position in 3-dimensional space as here, and New York as there. But for someone who lives in Vancouver, there here would be there, and there there would be San Francisco. One interpretation is not more real than the other. We can think of time, the fourth dimension, in the same way. My now is just that, my own, and other observers are not constrained to limit their now to mine. To impose my limited perspective on the totality of nature is hubris in the extreme.

Our senses are reliably deceptive. We must remember that the brain does not map the entirety of the world in perfect replication—nor was it intended to. The brain was forged in evolutionary fire; if a belief or organizational method of the mind, such as the passage of time, is conducive to my survival, then natural selection will favor its adoption. An understanding of the true nature of the world in itself is not necessary. Natural selection would have no reason to favor it.

The perception of the passage of time may be a phenomenon similar to the perception of color. Color does not exist out there. It is a way that my mind organizes sensible experience in a meaningful and useful way. No matter the vividness of a flower, we know that the color is not a property of the flower itself. It is a way in which my mind represents that particular form of external stimulus. Animals capable of perceiving color do so because it is useful. Perhaps the color will help them to avoid poisonous substances, or to find mates. Much in the same way, it is useful for animals to organize events spatiotemporally. Right now it is useful for me to perceive my immediate surroundings, namely this computer, these books, and the world outside my window. It is useful for me to plan what I will do when I return to the United States. A year ago it was useful for me to feel apprehensive about my exams. And you may think me hypocritical for not believing in a now or yesterday but having beliefs such as “now I am hungry” and “yesterday I went to teach.” But I think these beliefs are entirely self-consistent, because one is a matter of what is and the other is a matter of what is necessary. If humans did not have the ideas of “now I am hungry” or “tomorrow I must hunt,” then I don’t believe humans would have survived very long. It is simply the case that tensed beliefs are conducive to my survival, but this does not then entail that tensed beliefs reflect reality. It’s simply that a projection of dynamically changing time is indispensable to the type of beings that we are, and so I must represent myself and my actions and my beleifs as occurring now, or tomorrow, or yesterday, even if I don’t believe this representation reflects anything real.

In closing

Of course this could all be nonsense. Maybe philosophers should have stopped digging a long time ago and just accepted the prima facie truth of time. It is, after all, almost self-evident. But I don’t think almost self-evident is a good reason to stop searching for truth. And of course some people are resigned to accepting reality as our irreducible perception of it. But to me this seems to defeat the purpose of inquiry. Because, why then, am I seeking truth if it does not exist? The joy and wonder of this peculiar world would be rendered even more inexplicable, not less, if we say the world is merely our representation of it, because it would be near miraculous for such an enduring consensus to be reached if nothing was behind it. Just because we are incapable of perceiving the world beyond the mind’s mediation does not mean it is meaningless, superfluous, or nonexistent. It simply means that our knowledge of some things is stunted, and perhaps it will remain so forever. And I think that’s okay. As I sit here typing, I can’t help but feel amazed at all that is. Contemplating existence, and phenomena, and representation, it’s all pretty amazing.

Thanks to Adrian Bardon, whom I have borrowed much from his A Brief History of the Philosophy of Time. Other relevant books on the subject that you may enjoy are The Time Illusion by John Gribbin, Prolegomena to Any Future Metaphysics by Immanuel Kant (much more digestible than Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason),  Confessions by Augustine, and the Oxford Handbook of Philosophy of Time. Of course, my view on time is controversial. Some good books by physicists with opposing views include Time Reborn by Lee Smolin and Now: The Physics of Time by Richard Muller.

Eyes and Faces – a Short Story

“The weather is nice today, isn’t it?” a voice sprang from the adjoining room.

“It is,” replied a man, thin and hollow.

“Remind me to invite Susan and her daughters to our get-together tomorrow.”

“Will do,” said the man, staring through the window, jointed by old wood.

“Hun?”

“Yes?”

Did you hear me?”

“Yes.”

The voice was silent.

“Are the birds there today?” she came at last.

“Um, no. Not today.”

The snow outside was early and soft, and could have subdued the world into slumber if left as such. Paths of people glided through from the night before, and the marks were so preserved that one might be able to glean their maker’s intention if a serious study were undertaken. But the man was not so inclined. In fact, his inclination was hardly intent upon anything, more secure vacillating between events lacking time or action, let alone the motives of shadows from the night before.

The tree outside, melded with the white snow, partially obscured by the wooden joints of the window, was old, older than him. This old tree, immovable and absolute, with the bark and grooves shooting up into its withering fingertips, with phantom birds and earth-dissolved leaves, had planted itself in the man’s brain, stood and reached outward, and there it cracked and moaned.

“Do you remember the time…”

The man coughed. “Huh?”

“I said,” she returned gently, “do you remember the time you and I went to the see the show Danny and the Deep Blue Sea?”

The man thought.

The woman waited, then continued, “We had been dating for about a year at that point. Remember Bill and Megan just had a daughter, and it was Danny.”

The man thought some more. His brow sunk, his face concerned. The faint impressions were frustrating—the hints they left were suggestive and cruel.

“Anyway, we get to the show and you tell me how pretty I look. I thought you were just being flattering and wanting to say something nice. But you kept looking at me, and I could see it in your eyes.

“I was too distracted to enjoy the show, but if I remember correctly, it was decent. But we exit, rather contently. And I knew, because of your eyes.”

A stage with blinding lights and surreal pots and kitchenware and breakfast plates, with the strut and sway of actors, and the crowded darkness of seats and people’s legs jutting from them—these ghosts damned his apprehension.

“That was the night you proposed to me.”

The woman was his wife. She was standing in the kitchen. Susan was their friend. He gathered that now. But had he really been married? In the endless extent of infinity, was their no moment, or even fragment of a moment, over which he had dominion? Was there not a single day or person willing to humor his recollection?

“I… I don’t remember. Maybe I just need some time.” Embarrassment seeped into him. He was new, and vulnerable. He thought about what a contemptible burden he must be.

“That’s okay. The best part of forgetting is remembering.”

The man sat awhile. The woman moved through the house. He scurried through his defective mind.

At last he found something tangible. “Do you remember the story of Jacob wrestling with God?” he asked.

“Yes… I remember. To claim the name of Israel.”

“And when day broke Jacob asked the shadow its name, and it replied, ‘Why do you wish to know my name?’”

“Yes. That’s what he said,” she returned, almost certainly with a smile. “You remember.”

The old man could cry. His bones were hollow. His jaw and gut had a force their own. He wished to see her face.

“Should I invite Grace for tomorrow?” continued the woman. “We haven’t seen her in such a while, but that girl never returns my calls anymore.”

Was Grace his daughter?

“Yes… yes. Let’s.”

“Okay, but you have to remind me. My memory ain’t what it used to be either.”

He yearned to see the woman’s face. Whom was it that he had married? Was she keen and wide-eyed? Or was she tender with a curled smile? Would her memory rush forth and reproach him for his forgetfulness, or would she have the face of a stranger, the curve and symmetry of which would take an age to master? And soon the world would end and consume him, his identity would vanish, the woman and her eyes and her face would perish too. Each thought would be plucked from his mind, and every event he spurred or witnessed would acquiesce. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was. He would beg for her forgiveness. He shot up and left his window crying but excited, looking for the woman, to know her eyes and face once more, for the first and the last time.

 

Projectiles Subject to Air Resistance

Let us have a projectile that is subject to two forces, the force of gravity w, and the resistive force of air f, as in Figure 1. If v is much less than the speed of sound, we may approximate f to be

1

where f(v) = bv + cv^2, and b and c are constants dependent on the object and the medium. (In text I will represent vectors as boldface and in my handwriting I have represented vectors in blue.)

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Figure 1. An object with velocity v is subject to forces f and w.

The first term of f(v) arises from the viscosity of the medium and is known as linear drag f_lin. The second term arises from the projectile having to accelerate the particles within the medium and is known as the quadratic drag  f_quad. Often, one of the two terms may be neglected to simplify calculation. Large objects (such as a baseball) can often be treated solely as quadratic, whereas smaller objects (such as a Millikan oildrop), or objects in a very viscous medium, are often treated linearly. When this is appropriate can be determined from the ratio f_quad/f_lin (or see the Reynolds number).

Projectile Subject to Linear Air Resistance

If we neglect the quadratic term, we find that the equation of motion for our projectile may be written as

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Writing r” as v’, we find the equation of motion to take on the form of a linear first order ordinary differential equation (linear because none of the v‘s are raised to a power, first order because the highest derivative involved is the first, and ordinary, as opposed to partial, because v depends only on t)

3.JPG

Using ordinary Cartesian coordinates, we may resolve the ODE into its x and y components

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These differential equations are uncoupled (meaning the v_x equation—the variable we are solving for—does not involve v_y, and the v_y equation—the other variable we are solving for—does not involve v_x). This means we can solve the two equations independently then simply glue them together when it’s all said and done.

Horizontal Motion with Linear Drag

Keeping our glue technique in mind, let us first solve equation 4. We may note that v_x’ = dv_x/dt. Using the method of separation of variables then, we can write the equation as

5b.JPG

Integrating both sides (and noting that v_x(0) = v_x0) we find

6.JPG

where tau = m/b.

The object’s speed then decreases exponentially, and as t goes to ∞, v_x approaches 0.

To find the object’s (horizontal) position as a function of time, we simply integrate the velocity equation, with limits of integration t’ = 0 to t’ = t (t’ being a dummy variable). We find

6b7.JPG

where x_∞ = v_x0*tau is the value that x approaches as t goes to ∞.

Vertical Motion with Linear Drag

Let us now turn our attention to equation 5. As gravity continually causes the object to accelerate downward, the velocity will increase downward, and as such so will the drag in the upward direction. If allowed to fall long enough then, there will come a time when the force of gravity will be equal in magnitude to the force of drag. At this time, F_net = a = 0, and we find the terminal velocity v_ter = mg/b.

Rewriting equation 5 as to involve v_ter, we find

7b.JPG

Then using a U-sub, u = v_y – v_ter, we can solve for v_y using the same method of separation of variables. Simplifying, we find

8.JPG

Just as with the horizontal equation, we integrate v_y(t) to find y(t).

9.JPG

To generalize to the 2-dimensional case all we must do is glue the two solutions together. We can find y explicitly as a function of x, or leave x and y as parametric equations of t. Expanding to 3-dimensions is also simple. We simply define the third dimension z, and the equation of motion becomes m*v_z’ = -b*v_z, which is the same general form as the x equation.

Various plots (using Mathematica) are shown below.

lin.JPG

 

Figure 2. A projectile moving through a linear medium (blue, equations 7 and 9), and the same object moving through a vacuum (red).

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Figure 3. An object is dropped in 3-dimensions from an initial height in a linear medium.

Projectile Subject to Quadratic Air Resistance

A cannonball is much more aptly approximated by the quadratic drag

9b.JPG

An object traveling solely in the horizontal direction, or, an object traveling solely in the vertical direction, do indeed have analytic solutions (given by equations 10 and 11, and 12 and 13, as you’re encouraged to check using methods similar to the linear case).

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But an object subject to quadratic drag traveling in 2 dimensions does not have an analytic solution, and thus must be solved by numerical approximations. The quadratic case consists of coupled differential equations, and thus the method we used of simply gluing the solutions together at the end of it all would be erroneous in this case. Writing mr” as as mv’, we find

14.JPG

The crucial difference this time around is that v is no longer linear. This complicates things considerably, since the theory of nonlinear differential equations is more challenging than its linear counterpart (analytic solutions are harder to come by). We can resolve the equation into its horizontal and vertical components, noting that v^2 is the magnitude and therefore the sum of its components squared (the Pythagorean theorem).

15.JPG

Notice that these equations are obviously different than the equations when the object is traveling solely in one direction (the differential equations that lead to the solutions of 10 and 11, and 12 and 13). As mentioned, only numerical solutions are possible for 15, and thus a general solution is beyond reach. Particular solutions can be found numerically by setting the initial conditions x[0], y[0], x'[0], and y'[0].

 

Plots relevant to quadratic drag are provided below.

horquad.JPG

Figure 4. Plot made using equation 11. An object traveling horizontally subject to quadratic drag.

 

vyquad.JPG

Figure 5. Plot made using equation 12. As time increases, terminal velocity (the orange line) is approached.

 

yquad.JPG

Figure 6. Plot made using equation 13. An object travelling vertically subject to quadratic drag.

 

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Figure 7. Plot made using numerical methods with coupled equations 15. An object traveling through a quadratic medium.

Closing

Thanks to John Taylor, whom I have outlined here from his Classical Mechanics. My Mathematica notebook is provided below for those interested. And sorry for any mistakes or lack of rigor, I was running through this pretty quickly. Peace!

Mathematica Notebook

Measuring Pressure in Cryogenic Systems with Piezoelectric Ceramics

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Abstract:

We have developed a new method of measuring pressure in cryogenic systems by using piezoelectric ceramics as low temperature pressure sensors. The sensors work by the piezoelectric effect, where changes in pressure deform the piezoelectric material, producing a voltage that we are able to measure. We used piezoelectric PZT diaphragms. We found that the piezoelectric had a sensitivity of .87 +/- .02 Bar/Volt and a minimum responsiveness of .55 +/- .01 Bar at 77.4 K. Our sensor design however, was flawed, in that a leak made it impossible to maintain a constant pressure, especially at higher pressures. Future development of the sensor will focus on redesigning the cell as to eliminate the leak. Eventually we hope to use this method in measuring pressure gradients in solid helium by embedding the sensors in the solid.

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Professor’s Comments

Review

On Faith – A Socratic Dialogue

“Do you not have faith, Socrates, that we may yet still be delivered from our condition?”

“Ah faith, a great light to many. Of its estimation, I must admit, I do not know.”

“Yes, faith is the thing which gives meaning to my life, and to many more I’m sure. Perhaps this is the thing which we are now currently in search of.”

“Faith seems to me now an object worthy of inquiry! ”

“I should think so.”

“Please, relate to us the merits of faith. What makes it avail where all else fails? How can it help us in our present predicament? Expound upon the properties peculiar to faith, making it worthy of its approbation.”

“I shall try my best to champion my faith. In the first, I would say that faith gives us hope. This hope allows the faithful an aspect of perseverance through tribulation. Those without faith, it would seem to me, are at a loss when faced with perverse circumstance, a condition we now find ourselves in. Faith braves consequences wherein reason could never tread.”

“Before proceeding further, it would seem wise to me to define faith as we understand it to be, as to avoid contention at a later point.”

“This seems wise to me too, Socrates. I shall say that faith is a strong belief and trust in divine providence, the confidence in a divine benevolence. It is the surest way to find absolute truth.”

“And if we sought a single succinct definition?”

“If we sought this, Socrates, my answer would be thus: faith is truth understood without doubt.”

“All fine answers! And wise ones they seem to me. But please, I shall not utter a word more until every last one of the brilliant merits of faith are espoused.”

“Very well, I shall continue. Hope is an integral result of faith, but by no means the only one. Faith provides bliss, happiness. Faith is in many circumstances the only reason justifying belief, and I think it is the only one necessary in itself. It is the only attribute a person needs in order to discover truth and goodness, I think. There are many other worthy qualities of faith, but these are more than enough to rank it as the greatest virtue among virtues.”

“I say young man, you have done a fine job in praising faith! Perhaps it is worthy of the praise you ascribe – sadly, I do not know. But humor an old man in a silly inquiry; answer me this. If I tell you now that this rock that I hold will continue upward forever into the stars if I were now to toss it up, would you believe me?”

“I would not.”

“And why not?”

“Because that notion is absurd.”

“And what makes the notion absurd?”

“It is contrary to all knowledge and experience.”

“So you justify your belief in the rock’s falling on a reason, namely that of experience?”

“Yes, of course.”

“And if I were to tell you that you must have faith in the rock’s ascendency? What would you respond?”

“I would respond that I could not have faith in such a thing.”

“And why not?”

“Because it is contrary to what we know and expect to happen.”

“By this example, could we not claim then that faith is the very absence of reason?”

“I don’t quite follow.”

“When we have reason to our belief, we do not avail to faith. Reason is like a torch in a cave, when we have grasp of it, we no longer have to stumble and speculate what lies before us, for we are able to clearly perceive our surroundings and make judgments based on our sight. Indeed, it would be impossible to recourse to faith again once our eyes are properly adjusted, unless of course the flame expires, or we choose to shut our own eyes. And if I were to tell you that you must have faith in the rock’s downward fall, would you not say that faith is superfluous in such a case?”

“I would. Reason is more than sufficient for such a simple matter as a falling rock.”

“Then as we can see, faith is the absence of reason, for faith is based on the intuition of the emotions and does not seek to justify the conclusions that it draws, whereas reason necessarily furnishes justification to the understanding. The nature of faith and reason are thus contradictory and cannot be assimilated. Would you agree?”

“Hm, I think so.”

“And, to move to a more general point, what is the purpose of reason and faith? What do they hope to obtain in their practice?”

“Truth.”

“Precisely! So the faculty which is better able to find truth is the one better suited to its end? The knife that cuts the best is the sharpest, if you will. For the sharpest knife will cut the rib, and the most excellent faculty will discover the truth. Whether it happens to be reason or faith, it is the one we should necessarily use over the other once we find it?”

“Yes, I should think so.”

“What do you use to support your belief in faith?”

“All I can say is that I have faith.”

“Then let us begin with that. Is faith capable of erring?”

“No, it is not. It is a light to truth.”

“Then what of the differing faiths of the Greeks, Egyptians, and Persians, and the like, do they too not have faith?”

“It seems obvious they do.”

“But surely the Greeks, Egyptians, and Persians cannot all be right. For they have contradictory beliefs.”

“This is without doubt.”

“Then at the very least two of these doctrines are in error. Faith leaves us at an impasse; we have no way to adjudicate the truth beyond this. But more to the point, we can clearly see that faith is fallible. Not all three of the religions can be correct, yet faith led us to all three of these separate and distinct conclusions, all contradictory in nature. If a witness to a murder accused three different people who were all at different parts of town at the time of the murder, it would seem absurd to trust their judgment. This would be especially so if when asked, ‘What reason do you expect so and so committed the crime?’ the witness replied, ‘Well, I have a feeling.’ Obviously faith is no proper guide in the darkness of ignorance. A more lustrous light is needed. A method beyond the capacity of error is needed. And if no such faculty exists, then the one that errs the least would seem the best. With faith now properly excluded from our selection, what faculty would meet our standard?”

“It would seem that reason best fits this principle.”

“In the case of reason, is it not true that it is beyond error, or at the very least, beyond error to a very significant extent as required in our understanding? To every rational agent, two and two makes four, without exception. Whereas faith could provide one man the sum of two and two as five, and the next as three.”

“But reason is not beyond error either, for often two distinct conclusions are drawn from the very same logic.”

“Yes, this seems to be the case. But there is a difference between reason and faith in this regard. A man may use his reason to find the sum of two and two and still arrive at the wrong answer. But the error here does not exist within reason itself, but in the man’s misuse and confusion of his reason. For if he were to solve the problem in the proper way, that is, with the correct dictations of reason, he would arrive at the universal answer that mathematics consists. So it is indeed the case that someone may err in the application of reason, but this in no way casts doubt upon our confidence in reason itself. A steady ship that sinks because of its course of direction is not culpable of its submergence, for it is the responsibility of the captain to steer her properly. Reason is a fine vessel, and may lead its traveler from the shores of continents. In this respect, reason is virtually incapable of error when directed properly. Faith, on the other hand, is capricious to even the most seasoned captain, and is at the whim of the currents of the tempestuous passions – fear and prejudice make us board her hull.

“And, remind me once more, my young friend, what reason and faith are in search of?”

“I believe we agreed upon truth.”

“And what is better suited in the search of truth, a faculty capable of error, or one that cannot err?”

“The faculty that cannot lead to error will help us to find the truth.”

“Because truth, by definition, has as its property the absence of error?”

“Yes.”

“And faith is capable of error?”

“With regard to important subjects as mathematics and religion, it would seem it is.”

“And of reason?”

“Reason, it would seem, cannot err when properly handled.”

“So what, then, will the faculty be that we should employ in our search for knowledge?”

“Reason, I say.”

Emerson – Self-Reliance

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“Do not seek for things outside of yourself.”

“A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his own mind from within, more than the luster of the firmament of bards and sages,” Emerson states. The soul, our consciousness, which drips with the unique confluence of our legioned experience, is where every action drawn forth should stem. Anything less is to shy away from what your nature has ordained, and “God will not have his work made manifest by cowards.”

Society is always in conspiracy against such a person of their own nature, against the nonconformist, Emerson states. But good and evil has no form without its creator. Should I do good before I know it? How then, do I know  that it is good at all? “Truth is handsomer than the affectation of love.” I can only come to know what is good once I have come to know what is true, and at that point they become one and the same. When people treat virtue as penance, good as a troublesome commodity, they are more concerned with meeting the lines of some perceived assignment. But as Emerson says I must do only what concerns me. If I am to do good at all, to do anything at all, it must have its root in the will of the individual. For a person steeped in the foothills of adoption, disguised by the thousand glimmering wills of her ancients and contemporaries, has blocked the sun, and stunted the fruits by which God may know her.

Emerson says to think of the roses beneath his windowsill. They make “no reference to former roses or to better ones; they are for what they are, they exist today with God. There is no time to them. There is simply the rose; it is perfect in every moment of its existence.” Indeed, a thing is perfect so far as it is congruent with itself. To be happy, we must know ourselves, and not seek recourse to the murmuring memories of past, or the whisking promises of tomorrow. What is outside of us is, and what is inside of us is. We have will of the latter, and the former must be. This will is thus essential to our existence, it is our existence, and its expression is for that reason the truest form of creation. It mustn’t be left ashamed and misshapen; it is the evidence of our existence, the very moment of being. “The soul raised over passion beholds identity and eternal causation, perceives the self-existence of Truth and Right, and calms itself with knowing that all things go well.”

To keep it sacred then, we must foster its growth. We must cast off the will of others, that cling to ours with needly arms, and embrace isolation. But as Emerson says, this isolation is not physical, but spiritual. Because the “great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” Indeed, “I must be myself.”

To pray, to regret, to seek ourselves in vain pleasures and detached numbers, to hope for things outside of our own will, is surely folly. When things go well and things go bad, we should not boast and moan in accordance. If we do what we have willed, to the most we possibly could have, then we should have a prideful contentment knowing that we have existed fully, and not betrayed that truth that so bashfully asks our attendance.

 

Neon Genesis Evangelion – an Analysis

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“You are extremely afraid of any kind of initial contact, aren’t you? Are you that afraid of other people? I know that by keeping others at a distance you avoid a betrayal of your trust. Although you may not be hurt that way you mustn’t forget that you must endure the loneliness. Men can never completely erase this sadness because all men are fundamentally alone.”

Neon Genesis Evangelion is a 90’s anime directed by Hideaki Anno. I think it’s a great work of art, and philosophy. In the year 2000, a catastrophic event called the Second Impact occurred on Earth, killing billions of people. Fifteen years later, the things responsible for this impact, a giant, ineffable, and eclectic race of what are seemingly aliens, appear on Earth. These aliens are called by Earth’s survivors Angels. Their intelligence is beyond understanding, and their motives obscure. But what is palpable is that they are hostile. Of course, conventional weapons are pretty much useless against beings composed of strange matter, and who exist in dimensions higher than ours. Humanity then, on the brink of extinction, develops the Evangelion as their last hope to resist the Angels. The Evangelion are trillion dollar, bipedal, bio-mechs that were developed by the shadowy group NERV with the use of Angel technology. Their purpose is to destroy the Angels, and in doing so, save humankind.

But, for some unexplained reason (or for some reason I didn’t get), these Evas can only be piloted by children. NERV then, seeks out children who have the ability to synchronize themselves with the Evangelion. The second child chosen to pilot an Eva is Shinji Ikari, the protagonist of the series. Abandoned by his father as a child, Shinji is introverted, diffident, and emotionally repressed. He rarely speaks unless spoken to, and then he is polite and often obsequious. He spends most of his time alone and with earphones in. He has no friends. Piloting the Eva gives him purpose, but he isn’t sure why he is doing it. Shinji’s character is what I liked most about the show. He deals with loneliness, abandonment, meaninglessness, and death.

Shinji views himself as useless. And really there isn’t much worse of a thing one can be. In his uselessness, Shinji comes to hate himself, stating on multiple occasions that he doesn’t care if he lives or dies. As Camus says, the first question we must ask ourselves is whether life is worth living at all. All else, the grand questions of the universe, our relationships to others, are trivial in the face of such a question. Piloting Eva Unit-01 makes Shinji feel useful–it gives him purpose. But it is an awfully convenient purpose, for his father, a higher up in NERV, never bothered to even speak to Shinji until he was needed to fight the Angels. In this sense, Shinji’s relationships seem to be a perversion. People treat him just as a tool, and once he is no longer needed, his purpose dies. Shinji pilots the Eva, he kills the Angels,

“Position target in the center and pull the switch,”

he repeats on and on listlessly. It is a purpose lacking volition, born from elsewhere. Our conceit, our will, our semblance of connection, our need to be of use, seem to be just as hollow as a universe devoid. Why do I pilot the Eva, Shinji eventually comes to ask himself, and it gradually comes to haunt him. And for good reason, really, because what he is really asking himself is why do I exist. That is a question everyone need answer.

It isn’t until Shinji has killed multiple Angels does he ask what they actually are. This shows the human condition. We do things because they are done. Shinji destroys the Angels by mercilessly beating their faces in and tearing at their limbs. He is able to do such things, just as we are able to think it acceptable to buy phones and cars when people are starving, just as we are able to think it acceptable to perpetuate war, and just as we wake up every morning and go about our daily routine, for the very reason that they are, just that, accepted. Why do we do things? By knowing the Angels, Shinji is confronted with the inherent irrationality of the world. Try as he may, the Angels are capricious beings that cripple any attempt at understanding. This reflects our perennial task of conforming the irrational nature of the world to our rational understanding. Such a task is useless. And Shinji is already very much afraid of uselessness. This is why the question begins to consume him: why do I pilot the Eva? “Because everyone tells me to,” or, “For the sake of mankind,” he answers. But this is to seek his value in others’ perception. This is to once more make Shinji a tool. It seems he pilots the Eva to quell his feeling of uselessness, a feeling stemming from his sense of abandonment. Why then, should Shinji pilot though it causes suffering, and to the bigger point, why should we continue to live in an irrational world full of suffering? Surely ‘its convention’ or ‘our utility’ are not sufficient reason. To no longer be useless, to no longer be a tool, Shinji must choose to pilot the Eva. Shinji must himself choose to live. All else is without purpose.

But the question remains, why should Shinji continue to live? Why should you or I, choose to live? The world is full of horrible and violent suffering, and there seems no end of it. At the end of his fight, Shinji is left in a devastated Tokyo, with his friends either dead or gone. But to answer our question, one must separate what is from what ought. The Angels came with no known reason and caused tremendous suffering. Such suffering is not within Shinji’s control. The world itself eludes our capture. But our purpose is found in our choosing it. Our happiness is completely and only within our will. If we are to have purpose at all, we must choose it to be so. As Shinji’s friend Asuka reminds him:

“If you want real happiness, you’ve got to find it for yourself, not wait for someone to give it to you.”

We are happy the moment we will it to be. This is why Sisyphus can be happier than Croesus. Irrationality is intrinsic to this world, suffering inseparable, but our will is our own. If we choose to face the world with the full conviction of our  own purpose, we can be happy.

Shinji comes to learn this in the final two episodes of the series, where things turn 2001: A Space Odyssey. The 9th Symphony is blaring, the Angels are destroyed, and–what I interpreted as happening–Earth is melding its consciousness together. This is the Human Instrumentality Project. Shinji is confronted in his subconscious by the projections of all the friends he came to have. The world Shinji built before the Evas was one devoid of other people. And this is the world he confronts in his subconscious. In his attempt to keep pain at bay, he alienated himself from the world and from others, but ironically, this only led to further suffering. Throughout the series, Shinji repeats to himself, “I mustn’t run away.” But this is exactly what he has been doing. By alienating himself from other people, he refuses to acknowledge the fact that he is alone, that he is lost. And we are all fundamentally alone, because we are all separate in mind from others. If Shinji wants to mend this loneliness, he has to accept the world and the full amount of suffering it entails. Shinji learns, in the end, that meaning must come from one’s self, but one’s self is inseparably composed of other people.